Brittany: Agent From G.L.E.E.

I just had a fantastic idea for a spin-off for Glee.

Most of the time I sit watching Glee, I’m questioning why I’m sitting watching Glee. For the most part, I hate the characters and I want them all to perish. Then, oddly, I find myself pulling for them to break through the thin veil of First World problems that seem to constantly hover between them and the shallow happiness of recognition and validation they so desperately seek. Then I experience a rush of self loathing. Then I go back to wanting them all to perish.

Except Brittany, of course. Brittany is Amazing.

I also spend a lot of time wondering what the poor, ignored, band geeks must feel like. How can they stand listening to these whiny bitches for hours on end, every single day and not slap the living shit out of them? What sort of problems do they face? Are they as trite? Probably not, or they would likely be just as loud and obnoxious about them as their singing, dancing counterparts. No, those band geeks have real problems.

Go ahead, cry about your first world problems.

Then it hit me: those geeks are international secret agents.

It all makes sense now.

The premise for the show is that the Band, code named G.L.E.E. (Global League of Executive Enforcement,) headed up by their fearless leader Brad the Piano Player Guy, is actually a top secret paramilitary organization that answers directly to the President of the United States (played by Gary Busey,) sent to Ohio to fight a ruthless secret organization hell bent on world domination. This group will be, unbeknownst to G.L.E.E., secretly headed up by the nefarious Elektra Skorpio (code name: Emma Pillsbury.) The only person to suspect this will be a rogue operative and mercenary, code named: CHEERIO. Emma Pillsbury will secretly work to destroy the band as they feverishly attempt to uncover her identity. Her love affair with the knappy-headed Will Schuester is just a cunningly contrived cover–her loathing for him knows no bounds and is the basis for several musical solos that attest to that fact.

With the exception of Brittany, none of the other main characters from the original show will actually suspect that anything unusual is happening at their high school. Brittany will play the lead role, starting as a normal (if slightly retarded) cheer leader, just as she is portrayed in Glee. She will accidentally stumble upon the G.L.E.E. secret base under the floor of the music room and be thrust into a world of intrigue, betrayal and other nefarious goings on.

This will explain why she joined Glee (to be closer to the band geeks and their secret lair.)

I find your lack of faith disturbing.

The original Glee series will be analyzed and re-filmed so that the parts where the band geeks are visible in the show are blocked to be filmed in the exact same spots in a new episode that they were in the original. The timelines for the shows will coincide exactly.

All of the camera work will focus on the band. The original Glee cast will reprise their original roles, but will be more or less silent other than singing and dancing in the background. All of their loud, pedantic conversations about their bullshit problems will be replaced with something similar to the sound that the teacher makes in the old Peanuts cartoons.

The band geeks will use sub-vocal mics to communicate and plot their strategies for defeating whatever crazy plot they face that week while they play their instruments and the annoying kids sing and dance in the background. They will use the combined noise to assure that their conversations can’t be listened in on by covert surveillance.

Brittany will end up as a full member of the G.L.E.E. task force. The show will end when Emma Pillsbury forces G.L.E.E. choose between rescuing the Glee Club from a burning house or stopping her ultimate plan. They will, of course, be forced to sacrifice the Glee Club to the flames for the greater good.

The last musical number will be Burning Down The House by the Talking Heads.

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