The great teflon conspiracy

My friend Annie went away for a while and while she’s gone, she’s stashing a bunch of stuff at our house. Among the things she left here was a small set of cast iron pans.

She’s not getting them back.

I am waffling between “stolen by South American freedom fighters” and “my cat ate them.”

Let’s break this down.

Features Teflon Cast Iron
Can attack with steel wool mercilessly.
“Season” by cooking a crap-ton of bacon in it.
Can’t use soap on because it might wash off the awesome.
Can use metal spatula’s on!
Is “non stick.” Which means “delicate. If not entirely useful.”
“Non stick” by virtue of butter, oil and the layer of carbonized bacon fat on it
Will last forever.
Heats evenly.
Flakes off easily and is probably made of deadly poison.

As can be seen in the scientific comparison above: teflon sucks. Cast iron is just plainly better. And cheaper, strangely enough. Which will mitigate some of the guilt I am going to feel when I lie to Annie and tell her that her pans were recalled because they were made with radioactive materials. If you don’t own cast iron, I highly suggest you borrow someone else’s set and then don’t give them back. They come pre-seasoned and are very affordable.

But this brings me to my question. Why the hell does everyone use Teflon? I mean, I get having a nice Teflon pan for making the odd omelet or something, bu seriously, Teflon for everything? I’m mystified. Has everyone been deluded by the conspiracy? More importantly, if they weren’t all deluded, why didn’t someone tell me about cast iron earlier?

2 Responses to The great teflon conspiracy

  1. OMG, Joe, cast iron skillets are the greatest. I learned to cook with them and have a bunch of them out in my storage shed. They are all old, having belonged to my grandmother and mother, but cast iron skillets never wear out. Since I love them so much, you may be wondering why they are in my shed. Well, a couple of years ago, I made a huge mistake and bought a smooth-top range. Much to my dismay, I found out that I couldn’t use my cast iron skillets on it, not even the ones with the smooth bottoms. So now they sit in a box in the shed. I now use several nice stainless steel skillets, but you cannot cook eggs in them, so I have to use teflon for eggs. :-( Sometime in the next year I’m going to replace the smooth-top range with one that has coil burners or maybe with a propane stove. I miss my cast iron skillets.

  2. Granola monger says:

    See, well, um. It’s corporate America and those damn republicans that are hiding the wonderful facts and the benefits of using cast iron cooking tools. I’m just glad to see a fellow advocate for the reintroduction of cast iron cooking tools.